Letter to my inner child.

Vulnerable, raw, fearful. That generally describes how I felt as a child growing up. Yet even after years of breakthrough and healing there are occasions as an adult when I hurtle backwards in time and my thoughts are of that of an overwhelmed eight year old or a terrified teenager.

It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does my whole body numbs. My mind goes blank. My emotions however run riot. Any sense of serenity escapes me and even my faith feels as if is beyond my grasp. Thankfully today I have experience of recovery and psychological strength to draw on. I can remind myself of how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. I can reach out to others who in turn can remind me of my worth. And my faith which never leaves me becomes bright and forceful in my life again.

But as a child dealing with abandonment and abuse I had no way of knowing how to deal with the hurt. And no adult to help guide or reassure. I often wished that I could have written to my inner child during those trouble times. those times. It could have read:

“Dear little one,

When your mother left you never to return – it wasn’t your fault. When your father made you into a commodity for himself and others – it wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to go through the rest of your life carrying the burden of guilt that was not yours to carry. Put down the shame and walk away.

The words spoken over you that left you believing you were worthless and unlovable were lies. You are precious. But don’t go trying to replace the love you should have had by seeking out a mother who will reject you further, or from other men who will abuse you again.

Look inside your heart. Look inside your soul. The treasure that is ‘you’ is waiting to be nurtured and released. Trust your quiet determination that lies within. You will survive.”

The letter didn’t exist for me as child but all the same, I survived. My journey through life continues to both challenge and amaze me. Sober, peaceful and fearless is how I would describe how I feel today. But sometimes I need to reassure myself as I would a child. Today the letter reads:

“My loved one,

Hold on, Keep strong. Everything’s going to be alright.”

Yes, it is.

Images thanks to the amazing Katie m. Berggren

The Gift of Gratitude.

How can I be thankful for my life? How can I find gratitude when events take a turn for the worse? The answer for me lies in ‘perspective’.

My computer crashed suddenly and spectacularly at the beginning of the week. It wasn’t just the inconvenience of being without the internet, it was the possibility that I had irretrievably lost some of my recent work that worried me. Any other time, this might have sent me into a panic at best and at worst, a prolonged period of ‘Why me?’

But I was able to accept the situation for what it was – a technical failure which meant I had to change a few things. My perception had been impacted by what had happened the day before. A letter had arrived to confirm the need for further treatment following a biopsy. It wasn’t what I had hoped for. Yet I could look at the positive side because of what happened the day before that. The death of a friend.

Perspective. No matter what was going on for me, the fact was that I had a life. My computer could be replaced. My work could be rewritten. My illness could be treated. How could I not be grateful?

Gratitude is a gift. And like any present, it is something that benefits the giver and the receiver. Thankfulness is so much more than an emotion. It is a choice to appreciate what you have. It is a decision to accept yourself and others for what you or they are.

Yet the more grateful we feel, the more our eyes are opened to the miracles that take place in our lives every day. We are touched by the blessings that appear and this allows us to reach out to others. Whether it is a simple ‘Thankyou’ or an extravagant gift, heartfelt appreciation always reaps rewards. It can turn someone’s ordinary day into an extraordinary occasion.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
~ Marcel Proust

In the past, my psychological damage and depression meant long periods of being unable to find anything to be thankful for.  My mind was so busy dealing with the pain that I became emotionally frozen. I could barely feel or express anything, but especially not gratitude.

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” – Epictetus

Life can be harsh, but the best way to deal with those troubled times is to count your blessings. Finding even one small thing to be thankful for can take you out of self-pity. Gratitude can help you find peace in chaos and relief from pain. It can spark the light that leads you out of the tunnel.

Learning how to be grateful brought healing to me. Through my faith and my family I learnt not only how to love others and myself, but also how to love my journey. I am grateful for the life I have had because it has made me the person that I am today. I can love my life because of my past and not despite of the pain. The gift of gratitude has set me free to embrace life on life’s terms, and that is freedom indeed.

No matter what happens today I’m going to find time to say ‘Thankyou!’ Will you join me?

Top image http://www.etsy.com/listing/94172614/may-you-wake-up-with-gratitude  thanks to Lori Porter

The Secret of Serenity.

Contentment with yourself and others. Complete peace of mind. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if life could be lived this way all the time?

However, an everyday challenge can pose itself and suddenly any sense of tranquillity is a million miles away. It’s easy to become stressed, but with the right approach your inner calm can return.

So what’s the secret? For me it’s the recognition that it is a choice. Serenity isn’t passivity. It’s not inertia. Rather, it’s a series of decisions and actions that deal positively with a negative situation.

Recently, someone I trusted and loved committed to do something important and meaningful in my life. They let me down without explanation or regret. In the past their disloyalty and rejection would have sent me into a downward spiral of depression and alcohol abuse. I would have wasted hours wondering what I had done wrong or just ‘why me?’

Instead I chose to look at things differently. I accepted the fact that I could nothing to change the situation. The other person wasn’t going to take responsibility so I had a choice to make. Feel bitter and hurt, or make a decision to overcome my disappointment and offence.

I often refer to the well-known Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.  

In this instance I knew that for my own peace of mind I had to ‘let it go.’ I had to accept the things I couldn’t change and find the courage the change the things I could. It required a combination of determination, perseverance and prayer but it was worth it. It freed me of resentment and allowed me to move on.

When life leaves you feeling battered and betrayed it can be hard to contemplate change. The unknown can be infinitely more fearful than the known. The more vulnerable you are the harder it can be to step out of the comfort zone.

Trust you intuition and remember that the right decision is often not the easiest. Learn from the difficulties of the past and embrace the newness of the future.

Wasting your energy and time on trying to change others will only leave you disconnected and frustrated. Choose to forget what you can’t do and focus on what you can.

Today I choosing serenity. Are you?

Why me? Why not me?

Life can be tough. It can bring disappointment, frustration, pain and adversity. When it does, ‘Why me?’ is a natural question to ask. It’s a healthy response to a state of affairs that we weren’t expecting or circumstances over which we have no control.

We’ve all had those days when things seem to go wrong ~ we oversleep, run late because we can’t find the car keys, drop coffee over the laptop, snap at a colleague, send a personal email to all your contacts instead of only a best friend.  And all it takes is one more incident to make us think ‘Why me?’ Usually we can can accept it as ‘just one of those days’ and are able to take it in our stride without too much anguish.

Then there are those days when we feel overwhelmed by an ongoing situation and we ask ourselves ‘Why me?’ out of a sense of despair. A broken heart, a long-term illness, an unexpected redundancy, bereavement. Any significant life change will result in a transition that we would rather not make, yet there is no option but to respond. Grieving or loss may naturally include a stage when we ask ‘Why me?’ but with time we come to accept the situation and are able to live ‘normally’.

‘Why me’ becomes detrimental though when it becomes the basis of thinking. In the past, it locked me into a victim mentality from which it became increasingly harder to escape. Instead of having positive thoughts and expecting the best, ‘Why me?’ dragged me into a negative spiral of expecting the worst. It kept me in the role of a victim whose life was disintegrating through depression and alcoholism. Additionally, it was preventing me from gaining the strength and wisdom that comes from recovering from tragedy and trauma.

There were times when I thought life would never be bearable. I remember sitting with a psychiatric nurse shortly after I had attempted suicide. It was quite a ‘pity party’! I wailed as I recounted how my unloving mother had left me and then declared me as dead, how my cruel father had abused and neglected me, how I’d been bullied incessantly at school because of my appearance, how my relationships had failed, how I’d lost my job, home, possessions. And to top it all I was in the grip of depression and alcoholism. There was no end to my sorrows.

I wanted the nurse to feed my pity with consolation and sympathy. He didn’t. His response was to remind me that I was fortunate to be alive and that I lived in a world where life was tough for others too.

It took me a while but eventually I understood what he had said. As I began to heal I initially felt ashamed and embarrassed at my selfishness and arrogance. What was so different about me that I should escape tribulations? Nothing. I also realised that my mentality could shift dramatically when something good happened. I could embrace a positive experience with excitement and gratitude. Never would I query it with ‘Why me?’ because I believed that I too deserved blessings.

And so began my first steps from victim to survivor. From ‘Why me? to ‘Why not me?’ From feeling powerless to changing anything to believing that I had the strength to take responsibility for everything. Of course there continues to be highs and lows but I no longer consider what is missing, instead I choose to appreciate what is present. I am grateful for it all.

So what about you?  What are you thinking today? Is it ‘Why me?’ or Why not me?