A little ray of sunshine.

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.’ – Helen Keller

Do you believe that every day brings the possibility for a little ray of sunshine? Or does negativity overshadow your life? Is your glass half-empty and running out fast? Or is it half-full and waiting for a sparkling refill? The choice is yours.

An upbeat attitude can bring brighten up the gloomiest of circumstances. Choosing to think positively can revive you when you feel weary, provide clarity in chaos and keep you encouraged during uncertainty And when you make a conscious decision to refuse to allow the darkness to engulf you, you keep the way clear for your optimistic thoughts to shine.

Admittedly there are some days when tragedy strikes or a huge disappointment has to be dealt with and it is impossible to feel anything but despair. That’s a natural and expected way to react to a serious life event. It’s during those times however that you need to dig deep into the warm memories from the past until the shadows of your trauma have passed.

‘Whoever is happy will make others happy too.’ Anne Frank

Some people however have a consistently pessimistic outlook that overshadows everything. Their negativity can be emotionally draining not only for themselves but those around them. My advice is to steer clear of those who continue to wallow in self-pity and misery. You don’t need that in your life.

Instead surround yourself with those who can nurture, support and encourage you. Allow their positive support to strengthen you and motivate you. Happiness is infectious, so keep near to bright, cheerful souls and catch hold of the light. 

If that sounds too simple or too good to be true, I understand. It took me many years to catch hold of that light.

I grew up in a fearful atmosphere of darkness. As a result depression and alcoholism took their hold on my life at an early age. I developed a self-fulfilling prophesy of doom and gloom. Experience taught me not to expect good from anything or anybody, so I set myself up for repeated disappointments.

Whilst I had alcohol – ‘my sunshine in a bottle’, I could manage the rejections and failures in life. But of course my reliance on a drink rapidly developed into addiction and I spiraled into the darkness of despair.

‘Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.’   Psalm 119:105

An alcohol induced suicide attempt signaled the need to give up the drink for good, yet my pessimistic self feared the worst. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever be happy again. I held on to the tiniest glimmer of hope and somehow found the courage to make my way towards the light. The light of love.

It was faith that shone the light of love in my way and helped smash through the bleakness of my life. My journey of recovery involved breaking down the psychological barriers that were keeping me in dark oppression.

I replaced each negative omen with a little ray of sunshine that came in the form of trust, kindness, hope, healing. And if you are fighting your way through some dark times let me offer each and every one of those to you too.

On those days when I feel the clouds have gathered or I’m in the midst of a personal storm I am reassured that it won’t be long before I feel the warmth of affection. Those that love me are my little rays of sunshine. They are family and friends who illuminate my life and reveal the glittering promises of good things to come.

And it’s good to return the love. Even the smallest gestures can bring brightness to someone’s day. So follow the wise words from Amma;

‘Always have a smile on your face, kind words on your lips and a compassionate heart.’

 And you too can be a little ray of sunshine.

Image thanks to http://doriah.deviantart.com/

A Soft Place to Fall

Amanda Cass

‘I will soothe you and heal you,
I will bring you roses.
I too have been covered with thorns.’  Rumi

Life can be wonderful yet sometimes it can simply be tough. Whether it’s a broken heart, a damaged relationship, work problems, an unexpected illness or a disease that you’ve been battling with for years, there are times when everyone needs a soft place to fall.

As a mother, it’s something that I accept without question for my children.  If they hurt themselves, if they fall-out with a friend, if they didn’t do as well as they had hoped in exam – I’m there to hug, hold and soothe. Then later when we have more time I can reassure them they are not alone and encourage them to put the difficulty behind them and move on.

I do it without hesitation and for as long as required, for the knowledge that I am their soft place to fall is as beneficial to me as it is to them. They are loved unconditionally. They are wanted and needed. And so am I.

‘My heart is as strong as the depth of my scars.’  The Hurt Healer

In an ideal world everyone would grow up feeling secure and safe despite the stormy seasons, but many don’t. I didn’t either. Being abandoned and abused as a child left me searching for anything that would numb the memories and heal the scars. Alcohol became my soft place to fall, or my ‘hurt healer’ as I called it. It worked for a while but soon the drink turned from friend to foe and I was forced to make a choice between ‘addiction and death’ or ‘sobriety and life’.

The thought of losing the security of alcohol and having to join the real world was terrifying. And by that time the depression I had battled with for years had spiralled out of control. Fearful of the real world, my worry was ‘Who’s going to catch me if I fall?”  In reality I was so physically, psychologically and spiritually broken that I was at rock bottom anyway. I’d already fallen, there’d been no one to catch me and I’d never felt so completely and desperately alone.

 ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’  Matthew 11:28 NIV

To get up and stay up though I had to find another sanctuary that would fill the void of alcoholism and lift me out of the darkness of my mind. Initially it was through faith that I started to find healing. It offered me a resting place of comfort, and peace. Nothing was required of me except that I stay in the presence of spirit of love. Faith was and is my ultimate and infinite soft place to fall. And even during those times when life seems like a roller-coaster of chaos and disappointment, it never lets me down.

As started on the slow process to self acceptance I began was able to leave behind the need to be critical and judgemental. Instead I choose to view myself with compassion and empathy. And rather than stay trapped in the torment of the past, I decided to forgive the unforgivable.

‘Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.’  Brené Brown

As I travelled along my journey to recovery I discovered that my vulnerability was no longer my weakness, it was a revelation of my authentic self. So I didn’t have to be confined by my past and I didn’t have to be defined by others. I found the freedom to recreate myself as the person I was meant to be.

But I also discovered that I had a new soft place to fall and that was within me.

Amanda Cass

Life will always have ups and downs, celebrations and disappointments, miracle moments and tragedies. So when times are hard make sure that you surround yourself with those who will nurture and care; inspire and encourage. Whether it’s faith, family, friends or from inside your soul, it’s always good to have a soft place to fall.

Where’s yours?

‘Smile, breathe and go slowly.’  Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Huge thanks to Amanda Cass for allowing me to use her beautiful artwork  (May not be reproduced in any form without her permission.) Take a look at her other work here: http://www.redbubble.com/people/theartoflove

Who do you think you are?

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Are you happy being ‘you’? Do you have confidence in yourself and your abilities? Or have you become your own worst enemy by believing what others have labelled you?  So that instead of living your life as you the person you were meant to be, you are simply a reflection of someone else. If so, it’s time to find out who you really are.

I’ve always had difficulties with my identity. Being abandoned by my mum as an infant left me growing up with extreme insecurities about being unloved and unwanted. It changed how I perceived myself and the thought that I was worthless was reinforced by growing up with an abusing father. My dad defined me in terms that reflected his misogynistic attitudes,which as a child I accepted as truth. There was no-one else to tell me otherwise.

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” ~ Maya Angelou

It’s wasn’t simply the amount of derogatory traits that were attributed to me that caused the damage, it was the lack of anything positive or encouraging. The result was that for many years I really didn’t have a clue what I was supposed to say or do. I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t like. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. Because I didn’t know who I was.

All that I knew was that I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be someone else. The onset of depression in my younger years held me trapped in the view that I was never going to be pretty enough, thin enough, clever enough, confident enough. I was never going to be good enough for anything or anyone.  I lacked so much, yet everyone else seem to have what I desired.

So to numb the pain of the disappointment in being me and to help to manage the idea of being me for the rest of my life, I turned to alcohol. And for a while it worked. It gave me the confidence to be indifferent to my failings and took away my fears for the future.

Unfortunately, self-medicating led to addiction and over time the depression and alcoholism took over my life.Together with my lack of self-love I existed through others and allowed relationships to continue to define me. All to my detriment.

“True happiness is living life authentically.”                                                   ~ The Hurt Healer.

Perhaps you have also allowed past events to define you, or perhaps you used to feel you knew who you were but somehow your sense of self has disappeared over time? You can take on so many roles which meet the needs of others that your true identity is overwhelmed, leaving you mourning the loss of who you used to be,whilst your dreams and hopes have been abandoned.  Whatever your circumstances, maybe it is time to give the real you a chance to shine.

The turning point for me was a complete physical and mental breakdown. I could no longer go on existing as a product of my past. Enough of the fake smiles that covered the heartbreak. Enough of the false mask of confidence that hid the fear. Enough of the pretense. Enough of the uncertainty.  I had had enough of it all.

It was time to reclaim my life and find out who I really was. It was time to listen to my inner voice, nurture the child within and allow my authentic self to emerge. And in doing so I found out that I was everything I thought I wasn’t and a little bit more.

Refusing to enable my past to have power over my present, I was able to allow the real me to emerge. Initially the fears of who I had become revealed my rawness and vulnerability,, but over time my confidence and self-worth grew. No longer was I controlled by others.  No longer did I compare myself to others. After all the years of believing otherwise, I was okay being me.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

With faith as my guide, I allowed my mind to explore, my heart to love and my soul to bloom. Faith taught me too that I am valuable and precious. And that even my failures have a purpose. My weaknesses have become my strengths and my imperfections have become my uniqueness.

Something I could never have conceived in those dark days was that I was ‘fearfully and wonderfully made.’ But to today I think am.

What about you? Who do you think you are?

Pathway to passion.

“Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it.  Action has magic, grace and power in it.” ~ Goethe

It’s over. You have let go of the past and you are making good progress on your journey to heal. The rawness has gone, the scars are forming and you can finally breathe again, laugh again, love again. It’s time to find your pathway to passion.

Our passions as an adult often start with the inner child in us. So it is so important you’re your inner child is respected and nurtured to release your authentic and creative aspirations.  Be aware that a damaged child needs to be healed to the point where the wounds of the past cannot open, as a broken soul will build broken dreams.

If you were abused as a child you may not have had the opportunity to dream. Fear-filled day of  keeping the peace and holding on to the silence took up all your emotional energy. It’s hard to have a passion for life when your life isn’t in your hands. But today you can reclaim that life and dream the dream.

As a victim of an abusive partnership, you may well have abandoned your own pathway to personal freedom as the narcissist in your life gradually made everyday existence all about them. When you live in an environment where you are criticised for everything and made to believe you are nothing, there is no point in thinking of personal desires. But now you are free to recover those desires and follow your heart.

Maybe life has just thrown up crisis after crisis and you have been left feeling defeated and overwhelmed. Or you’re dealing with chronic illness and pain. It may seem pointless to pursue notions that you can’t envisage, when dealing with everyday challenges seems to take up all your time and energy. But there is every point. Because passion for the future is a great healer for the pain of the present.

“This year I’m choosing to live beyond my wildest dreams. I wonder where they’ll take me?”  ~ Oprah Winfrey

Your pathway to passion can be as big or as small as you choose. It can spring from hopes from yesteryear or an epiphany of today. What matters is that you find that zest, that energy, that longing for something that reflects your authentic self and that you pursue it boldly.

Be brave and let the spark ignite the dreams that have lain dormant. Search your unconscious for those hidden aspirations and bring them into reality. Be confident and creative in your thinking and visualise your future. Embrace the fear of change and use it to fuel the excitement and anticipation of the good things to come.

I know this sounds good in theory. whilst in reality life can be far from positive. Yet that is exactly why I am so privileged to be able to look ahead with the expectation that I have.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

I remember the first time I ever saw this verse. It was on my first day in rehab. I had been taken there from a psychiatric ward after an alcohol induced suicide attempt. There I sat, physically destroyed, psychologically broken, emotionally wrecked and spiritually bankrupt. I distinctly recall thinking that something had obviously gone wrong with the plans for my life.

I read those words everyday for six months and with each day that I healed, they mocked me less. Today I can see that there was a meaning to my experiences and that my life was intended to have a hope and a future. And I believe that life was also meant to be lived with passion.

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. “~ Dale Carnegie

So plant some seeds of hope, sow some wishes, cultivate some longing. Open your mind, body and soul as you allow synchronicity and faith to guide you along your path.  And don’t give up.

Don’t be discouraged with setbacks or despair if others don’t share your vision and enthusiasm. You are not dependent on the approval of others who may be threatened, jealous or fearful of your potential and success .It is your life. It is your path. Remind yourself that  passion will keep burning as long as you have that spark of desire, and that spirit of commitment.

“May the passion to be all that God want you to be sweep across your soul like a gentle breeze.” T.D. Jakes

As for me, I have found that my faith, family, friends, writing, creating come together to help fulfill my hopes and realise my dreams . Indeed, my pathway to passion, is my pathway for life.

Top image ‘Tango of passion’ and bottom image ‘Fire Dance’ thanks to the world renowned Leonid Afremov at http://afremov.com/ All rights reserved. No part of these images may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without prior written permission of Leonid Afremov

You’re worth it.

Do you like yourself? Do you celebrate who you are? Do others appreciate you?

 “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” ~ George Eliot

Very few of us live in isolation and most of us juggle the numerous roles life has assigned us. Parent, colleague, spouse, family member – all come with complicated tasks and expectations from others. Each role demands commitment and loyalty.

But you should never give so much of yourself that you have nothing left for you. Likewise your self-worth should not be defined completely by others. It is so important to be able to identify yourself too. Because it is who you think you are, not who everyone else thinks you are, that will ultimately result in who you will become.

“They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

Anyone who has experienced verbal abuse will know that the scars  can run deep. Whether the person intended to harm you or not, it is possible to grasp the abuse as a truth and use it to wound yourself time and time again. Too often the deceptions of the past are still allowed to shape who you are today and will continue to mould your future. But only if you let them. You do have a choice to reject the lies.

It amazes me that after all my years of recovery and despite my strength of faith, that I can be caught off guard. Some extremely hurtful comments were made to me last week at a point when I was feeling less than strong. Even though I could rationalise that person’s tirade as transference of their own inadequacies, there was a part of me that took it on board.

And as I did I hurtled back to that place of fear, loneliness and low self-esteem. The intense doubts surfaced and the feelings of self-hatred emerged to remind me of how worthless I was.  The intensity of the darkness was overwhelming.

But instead of wallowing in the gloom and succumbing to the negativity as I would have done previously, I was able to stand firm and fight my way back into the light. The light that shines from accepting that I am perfectly imperfect and knowing with confidence, who I am.

It can be a psychological battle sometimes, but when those demons raise their ugly heads at those times of vulnerability, you need to affirm everything that is good about you and your life.   Do that and you will find that you will start to free your authentic self and begin to live the life as the person you were meant to be.

“……I am fearfully and wonderfully made……”Psalm 139:14

As a child the emotional abuse I experienced laid the foundation of my depression and alcoholism in adulthood. Healing could only take place once I took the inner child by the hand and reassured her that I could reject what had gone before and claim the truth.

It was through faith that I found the truth. It was through faith that I could heal. And through healing I could love myself. After years I thinking I was worthless, I realised I had value. After years of thinking that nothing mattered because I didn’t, I found that life did matter and I did too.

What about you? Isn’t it time to be bold about yourself. I’m not talking about being boastful or arrogant. I’m talking about appreciating and nurturing yourself. About believing in your talents and abilities. About celebrating everything that makes you unique.

Children have an ability to take things at literally and internalise what is spoken over them. It is so important that when it comes to my own daughters that their personalities are cherished, their achievements are praised and that they know that they are loved unconditionally.

So it made my heart glad to hear my youngest daughter talking to her friend as they played the other day. Her friend spoke of how she wished she could be a princess because she could wear a special dress and this would make her special. My daughter told her friend that  she didn’t need to a special dress because feeling special came from the inside not from the outside. I don’t know if her friend understood what my daughter was saying but I know it made me smile. What we have on the inside of us is infinitely more important than the outside.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

Are you mourning the person you could have been if only……?  It may be too late to recapture the past. It may be too late to pursue a particular dream. But it is never too late to be the person you were meant to be.

Accept you can’t change what has gone before. Let it go. Resolve to make new goals and new dreams. Accept you can’t change what others have said. Let it go. Resolve to speak new declarations and embrace everything that is good about you.

What ever is stopping you from loving yourself, caring for yourself, being yourself, let it go. Life is too short to hold onto those things or those people who are robbing you of your worth.

Believe me. Believe in yourself.                You’re worth it.

Top image Believe in Yourself  and bottom image Let it Go used with the kind permission of the fantastic Stephanie Ryan at http://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/stephanieryanart  All rights reserved. No part of these images may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without prior written permission of Stephanie Ryan.

The gift of giving.

The gift of giving is that it is in itself a gift. Whether you are giving or receiving, it’s an exchange of love.

Yet the message that surrounds us is that you should you get what you can, when you can. The daily bombardment of advertising tries to convince us that you will be happier, more beautiful, more successful if you have more. Believe me. You won’t.

“You can’t find happiness in getting, but you can find happiness in giving.” ~ Joyce Meyer

It’s easy to compare yourself with others and become disenchanted with your own life. However you can be content and happy if you accept that you may not have what you want, but you do have what you need.

But just as there is a law of attraction, so there is a law of giving – you reap what you sow. Therefore sow with abundance. If you are willing to share what you have, you could find that you end up with what you want – especially if what you want is to be loved.

“Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness.” ~Richard Bach

I know what it is like to have been given a second chance at life. I remember the times when it was practically impossible to give to myself let alone anyone else. Anyone who had suffered with depression will know how isolating it is and how even basic communication can be a challenge. Depression engulfs you in a bubble of despair and loneliness that prevents you from giving anything to anyone – physically or emotionally. You can’t give away to someone else what you don’t have for yourself.

One of the joys of my recovery is being able to share what I have and to be able to genuinely care about others. Every day I aim to give back in some way.Often it’s through the opportunity to respond to those who contact me to disclose their difficulties and challenges. My gift to them is a safe place to share and the promise of hope by switching on a little flicker of light as they go through the darkness.

Other times it can be gifts that I know will bless or encourage others. A thoughtful present, an offer of practical help, or an act of kindness are all things that are easy to do, yet are wonderfully rewarding.

It’s marvelous to receive, but in my eyes it’s infinitely better to give.  Paying back to those who have and continue to help me on my journey is important to me. It gives me a connection with others that I treasure and helps me appreciate what I have in my life today.

An anonymous donation reminds me that I am able to pay back what has been given to me, without the need for recognition or acknowledgement. Because life isn’t all about me. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an anonymous gift you’ll know that the joy is for more than the gift itself, it’s knowing that you meant something to someone, that they were thinking of you, that someone cared. For me, that is love in action.

“Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.” ~ Jean Anouilh

Sometimes the hardest gift of all is when you give something of yourself. If you have invested love in another only to be rejected or abused then you can become wary of giving away your love.  The fear of opening up old wounds or being hurt again can turn your heart to stone. Any trace of generosity of kindness can be overshadowed by bitterness, resentment and fear.

“The degree of loving is measured by the degree of giving.” ~ Edwin Louis Cole

Any gift can be a gift of love if it is given willingly and without obligation. And whilst money and actual presents are always a wonderful way to show you care, there are many other ways to give that are just as valuable.

Sharing your time, your expertise, your advice, your encouragement, your support or your prayers are all ways to offer yourself to someone. .A gift can be given anytime or anywhere. It may cost nothing to you, but to them it may be priceless. And the return for you can be greater than you ever imagined.

The gift of giving is love.

Dear Dad…

Dear Dad

I rarely think of you. You see once I’d forgiven you there was nothing left to think about. Occasionally though your presence from the past surfaces. And when it does  I wish I could look you in the eye and say ‘Have you any idea what you did to me?’

I’ll tell you. You stole my childhood. You destroyed my self-esteem. You crushed my spirit.

There’s more. You made me feel insignificant and worthless. You made me feel unloved. You made me believe I would never deserve anything because I was never good enough.

Even when I grew up and moved from country to country, you pursued me. Not out of love but out of a need to control. You didn’t have to be with me in person, because you always found a way to make sure that I knew you were still there.

You needn’t have bothered to hire that stalker, send the hate mail, make the threatening phone calls to my work colleagues, terrify my friends. Because your voice of abuse never left me anyway. It was there day and night.

For a long time, you won Dad. You won your crazy game.

You kept on winning even after you died. I didn’t expect that. Somehow I thought that your death would terminate my living hell and I would be free to get on with my life.  But I was so used to living in fear that it had become my normality. The damage had been done. With or without you I was a complete mess physically and emotionally.

“I stopped loving my father a long time ago. What remained was the slavery to a pattern.”  ~ Anais Nin

Actually I felt quite cheated that you died suddenly. You see I remember how much you hated alcohol, and I remember you telling me as a teenager that you would prefer I get pregnant rather than drunk. So you never knew that alcohol became my ‘hurt healer.’ It numbed me from the pain and helped me to manage your manipulation.

For a while it felt like I was winning. I was getting my own back and you didn’t even know it. But the self-medication slowly grew into addiction. So while other fathers leave their daughters a legacy of inspiration and love, I was left with alcoholism and depression.

But that was many years ago and this is now. Without you to sabotage my every move I have been able to reclaim my life and rediscover my identity. I fought my way back into the game and this time I am winning.

It’s true that sometimes when I face an emotional challenge, especially where there is a man involved, I think of you. It’s the moment when  the insecurities and the self-doubt return and I sense your spirit whisper ‘Told you so.’

Today though, I am able to recognise your words the lies that they are and can send them back to where they belong. Out of my mind. Out of my life.

I wish you had been kinder Dad. I wish you had been there to protect me. I wish you had been there to encourage me. Imagine how different my life could have been if I’d had a hero for a Dad instead of an abuser.

Too late now. For you. Not for me. Because I’m still here.

And if you could see me now I think even you would be proud of me. But if you weren’t that would be okay. Because I’m of proud myself.

I found out that I was good enough. I always was.

From your daughter                               ~ The Hurt Healer

Image thanks to Nicholas_Gent

Courage to heal.

Are you a victim of your past? Do you ever find yourself reliving the pain and unable to move on? Has your trauma become your security blanket? Then you need the courage to heal.

At some point in their life everyone will go through an emotional ordeal or physical trial. For many, recovery is difficult but achievable with appropriate support. In time there is nothing left other than a harmless memory or experience.

On the other hand, the damage of a life changing event or situation can create a victim mentality that unless challenged will keep you trapped in the past. The longer you remain attached to the pain the harder it is to break free. Your emotional state, whatever it is – anger, bitterness, jealousy, grief becomes your normality. Eventually it can become your refuge, because familiarity is safe.

Yet you don’t have to live as a victim. The transition to survivor and living your life as the person you were meant to be is possible. But you do need to have the willingness to heal. And you need courage.

Courage to take responsibility for your life again. Courage to take the risk of letting go. Courage to explore your inner-self.

Most of all you need courage to face the fear. The fear that if you mess with the wound that somehow it will be made worse and it will never heal. Or that your worst fears about yourself will be confirmed and you will never be whole again.

You may believe that you haven’t the strength or the bravery to overcome a situation that has overwhelmed you for so long. You do.

After years of suffering depression and being gripped by alcoholism, I had a complete physical and psychological break-down. Admission to a psychiatric ward heralded for me ultimate despair. At the time, I felt like the tears would never stop falling and my nightmare existence would continue for the rest of my life.

Yet a nurse came up to me and made the most extraordinary comment – “I’ll be excited to see where you are in five years time.” She knew of my past and how I had attempted suicide, but there she was talking of the future. Her reply when I pointed out how ridiculous that sounded was a big smile and a matter of fact, “After everything you’ve been through, you’re still here.” She then listed some of the things she saw in me. Courage wasn’t one of them, but resourcefulness and determination were.

“Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.” ~ Richard Bach

I realised that courage wasn’t an action, but an attitude. It meant accepting my circumstances and asking for help. It was overcoming my weaknesses. It was having a willingness to change and be changed.

The courage to heal came when I embraced all these things, so that little by little I could come to terms with the pain of my past. It no longer held me hostage. Recovery and sobriety helped me to appreciate what life had taught me. And the very things I used to fear became the source of my strength.

I wish I could’ve have told the nurse how right she was. Five years on from that incident my life had turned around completely. I was sober, sane and happily married with two beautiful daughters. Her words had been a gift. The gift of courage.

If you are struggling to find your inner strength I would like to extend this gift to you also. Take what you know and use it as your stepping stone to change. Watch it transform into the courage to heal and set yourself free.

_________________________________________________________________________

Top image thanks to the wonderful                                                                                   Lindy Gaskill http://www.etsy.com/listing/115192157/5×7-she-wanted-the-rainbow-so-she-put-up

What if…..?

Ask a child to finish the sentence ‘What if’ and they will probably come up with a fun, imaginative, affirmative reply. ‘What if’ for a child is full of endless possibilities. Yet as adult we often use ‘What if’ as a pessimistic precursor, which goes hand in hand with that other ominous statement ‘If only…..’.

When faced with a difficult situation it is a normal response to think about the ‘What if’s’ and when looking at a situation with hindsight, it is equally natural to consider the ‘If only’s’. For many of us though it’s only the worst possible scenarios or the most awful outcomes that come to mind. And if you’re anything like me, those images that are conjured up can become a form of self torture that do nothing more than hold you hostage in a state of fear.

Several years ago my long-term sober husband decided he could drink again. Dismissing my expressed concerns he was adamant that he could control his alcohol and that it wouldn’t affect our family. He couldn’t and it did.

Whilst he enjoyed his new found ‘freedom’ to do as he pleased, for me it was like being forced onto a train that I knew was going to crash. The months passed and my husband lived in complete denial of the damage being done by his addiction. Whilst for me, each and every day brought a new terror in the form of a ‘What if’.

‘What if ….. he crashes his car, what if he gets into a fight, what if he hurts someone, what if he hurts me? O f course these were always accompanied by the self-blaming ‘If only’s which had become a normality in our increasingly volatile family situation. ‘If only….I hadn’t said that, done that, behaved like that.

“The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.” ~ George Bernard Shaw.

It was only when my husband completely relapsed that it occurred to me that I had been allowing the ‘What if’s’ to lead the way. I had been so busy trying to keep the peace and reacting to every event that it wasn’t until crisis point that I realised I needed a radically different approach. There was nothing I could do to change the situation, but I could decide to change myself.

It started with changing my notion of ‘What if’. What if I said ‘Enough is enough’ and meant it? What if I drew up boundaries and stuck to them? And of course the victim mentality of ‘If only’ also had to change. For me the best way to stop lamenting the past was to make a conscious decision to close the door on the things that had gone before and look for a new door which would lead me to new opportunities.

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Obviously living my life by choice instead of chance didn’t happen overnight. And the hurt of those desperate months took much time, patience and prayer to resolve. But the lessons I learnt from the experience have been invaluable in dealing with other challenges since.

Today I don’t have to worry about ‘What if’, because I’m too excited about the ‘What next?’

_____________________________________

With love and thanks to my husband, who found the courage and strength to overcome the relapse.

The Secret of Serenity.

Contentment with yourself and others. Complete peace of mind. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if life could be lived this way all the time?

However, an everyday challenge can pose itself and suddenly any sense of tranquillity is a million miles away. It’s easy to become stressed, but with the right approach your inner calm can return.

So what’s the secret? For me it’s the recognition that it is a choice. Serenity isn’t passivity. It’s not inertia. Rather, it’s a series of decisions and actions that deal positively with a negative situation.

Recently, someone I trusted and loved committed to do something important and meaningful in my life. They let me down without explanation or regret. In the past their disloyalty and rejection would have sent me into a downward spiral of depression and alcohol abuse. I would have wasted hours wondering what I had done wrong or just ‘why me?’

Instead I chose to look at things differently. I accepted the fact that I could nothing to change the situation. The other person wasn’t going to take responsibility so I had a choice to make. Feel bitter and hurt, or make a decision to overcome my disappointment and offence.

I often refer to the well-known Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.  

In this instance I knew that for my own peace of mind I had to ‘let it go.’ I had to accept the things I couldn’t change and find the courage the change the things I could. It required a combination of determination, perseverance and prayer but it was worth it. It freed me of resentment and allowed me to move on.

When life leaves you feeling battered and betrayed it can be hard to contemplate change. The unknown can be infinitely more fearful than the known. The more vulnerable you are the harder it can be to step out of the comfort zone.

Trust you intuition and remember that the right decision is often not the easiest. Learn from the difficulties of the past and embrace the newness of the future.

Wasting your energy and time on trying to change others will only leave you disconnected and frustrated. Choose to forget what you can’t do and focus on what you can.

Today I choosing serenity. Are you?