A Soft Place to Fall

Amanda Cass

‘I will soothe you and heal you,
I will bring you roses.
I too have been covered with thorns.’  Rumi

Life can be wonderful yet sometimes it can simply be tough. Whether it’s a broken heart, a damaged relationship, work problems, an unexpected illness or a disease that you’ve been battling with for years, there are times when everyone needs a soft place to fall.

As a mother, it’s something that I accept without question for my children.  If they hurt themselves, if they fall-out with a friend, if they didn’t do as well as they had hoped in exam – I’m there to hug, hold and soothe. Then later when we have more time I can reassure them they are not alone and encourage them to put the difficulty behind them and move on.

I do it without hesitation and for as long as required, for the knowledge that I am their soft place to fall is as beneficial to me as it is to them. They are loved unconditionally. They are wanted and needed. And so am I.

‘My heart is as strong as the depth of my scars.’  The Hurt Healer

In an ideal world everyone would grow up feeling secure and safe despite the stormy seasons, but many don’t. I didn’t either. Being abandoned and abused as a child left me searching for anything that would numb the memories and heal the scars. Alcohol became my soft place to fall, or my ‘hurt healer’ as I called it. It worked for a while but soon the drink turned from friend to foe and I was forced to make a choice between ‘addiction and death’ or ‘sobriety and life’.

The thought of losing the security of alcohol and having to join the real world was terrifying. And by that time the depression I had battled with for years had spiralled out of control. Fearful of the real world, my worry was ‘Who’s going to catch me if I fall?”  In reality I was so physically, psychologically and spiritually broken that I was at rock bottom anyway. I’d already fallen, there’d been no one to catch me and I’d never felt so completely and desperately alone.

 ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’  Matthew 11:28 NIV

To get up and stay up though I had to find another sanctuary that would fill the void of alcoholism and lift me out of the darkness of my mind. Initially it was through faith that I started to find healing. It offered me a resting place of comfort, and peace. Nothing was required of me except that I stay in the presence of spirit of love. Faith was and is my ultimate and infinite soft place to fall. And even during those times when life seems like a roller-coaster of chaos and disappointment, it never lets me down.

As started on the slow process to self acceptance I began was able to leave behind the need to be critical and judgemental. Instead I choose to view myself with compassion and empathy. And rather than stay trapped in the torment of the past, I decided to forgive the unforgivable.

‘Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.’  Brené Brown

As I travelled along my journey to recovery I discovered that my vulnerability was no longer my weakness, it was a revelation of my authentic self. So I didn’t have to be confined by my past and I didn’t have to be defined by others. I found the freedom to recreate myself as the person I was meant to be.

But I also discovered that I had a new soft place to fall and that was within me.

Amanda Cass

Life will always have ups and downs, celebrations and disappointments, miracle moments and tragedies. So when times are hard make sure that you surround yourself with those who will nurture and care; inspire and encourage. Whether it’s faith, family, friends or from inside your soul, it’s always good to have a soft place to fall.

Where’s yours?

‘Smile, breathe and go slowly.’  Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Huge thanks to Amanda Cass for allowing me to use her beautiful artwork  (May not be reproduced in any form without her permission.) Take a look at her other work here: http://www.redbubble.com/people/theartoflove

I love you.

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.” George Sand

Love is a word that is seen and heard everywhere. It is used freely to describe emotions and feelings. It conjures up romantic notions and lusts. Yet there is so much more to love than just a sentiment which makes you feel good.

Of course it’s wonderful to make people feel wanted and needed through words that are encouraging or compassionate. But when you use the words ‘I love you’, it can take the relationship to a completely different level. Those three little words aren’t just a statement of affection or admiration, they can be the ultimate declaration of attachment and loyalty.

When you tell someone you love them you are investing your heart, mind and soul. ‘I love you’ should never be spoken lightly. In my own life I have found it very difficult at times to express my love or receive it. Because I never wanted to feel so desperate, lonely and unloved as I did when I realised my mother had abandoned me forever.

“The love you seek is seeking you at this moment.”                                                              ~ Deepak Chopra

My thinking was that if I didn’t allow anyone to love me and if in turn, I didn’t love anyone then I couldn’t be hurt again. But I did hurt. And the more I used alcohol to numb the pain, the more I distanced myself from ever being able to love not just others, but myself. And so too will you be distanced  further from what you truly desire if you try to avoid loving or being loved. A loveless life is merely an existence void of real joy or happiness.

So when I reached the point that existing was no longer an option for me, I started on my journey of recovery. If you have ever been on that journey you will know how vulnerable and raw it can be. Not to mention terrifying. But it is worth it. You are worth it.

Through faith I experienced a love that forgave everything I had been, accepted me for who I was, and helped me believe that I could live a life of value and worth. Most importantly it taught me that I needed to love myself because it was only through self-love that I could truly extend that love to others.

“Love one another.” ~ John 13:34

It wasn’t easy but I had to learn to look at myself and say ‘I love you’, before I could declare it to anyone else. Even now I have to admit that I am much more at ease at telling those I care for deeply that I love them than reassuring myself. But the reality is that you can’t give away what you don’t have, and that includes love.

As well as needing to be loved, we need to love others. For me this means not just speaking of love, but showing it. Gifts, tokens of generosity or sensual actions are all ways to demonstrate love, but just as important are respect, empathy, commitment and authenticity. ‘I love you’ can then have huge impact and meaning.

I am so grateful that today my life is filled with friends and family that I have genuine love for and who reciprocate that love time and time again.

My message to you is as always, ‘I love you.’

‘Untrue love’ and ‘Illusion‘ images thanks to the fabulous talent of Boryana Gold   http://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/BoryanaGold

 

You make my world complete.

Is your life complete? Or do you feel like something or someone is missing?

The perception that somehow your world would be complete if only you had a different job, home or partner can leave you frustrated and disenchanted. And whilst it’s good to want the best for yourself, it’s still important to have peace of mind in the moment. Striving towards a better tomorrow is easier if you appreciate what you have today.

For me, contentment has little to do with what I have, it’s rather who I have around me that makes it meaningful. But I had to learn that before I could love others and enjoy their part in my life, I had to learn to love myself.  I spent too much time trying to replace the love I should have had from my mother and father. Yet the painful void left by years of abandonment and abuse were never going to be eased by anyone or anything. The search for wholeness was never going to be successful because I was missing that which could only be found within me.

I lacked so much. Self-respect, dignity, and self-esteem were all things that I had to nurture from nothing. I went through the motions of an existence but without hope and love, it was futile. Not surprising then that depression and alcoholism took me to a complete physical and mental breakdown.

At my lowest point I could never have contemplated being whole. I was emotionally shattered. But when brokenness is all that you have, there’s little choice but to pick up the pieces and start again.

“Individuality is only possible if it unfolds from wholeness.” ~ David Bohm

Reclaiming my faith helped me on the journey to mending my mind, body and soul. Little by little I overcame those things that had caused me to fall apart. I allowed myself to be pieced together with the love and hope that I had been searching for, and with it came the restoration of my inner-self.

Eventually I came to a place previously never dreamt of. I came to a place of self-acceptance. Recovery showed me that I could live my life as the person as I was meant to be. And that was enough. I was complete by just being ‘me’.

“Don’t spend your life with someone you can live with – spend it with someone you can’t live without.” Anon

Like many things in life, when you stop searching for them they come to you anyway. Only when I was happy being single was I ready to meet the man who was to become my husband. And obviously when we became a couple, my sense of completeness changed. I experienced a love, trust and sense of security that  didn’t stifle it or overwhelm. It simply added to my being.

Similarly, it was only after accepting I may never have children and finding fulfillment within my marriage, that I was blessed with two daughters. And they too made my world whole in a way that I could never even begin to quantify. All I know is that my days are infinately richer for having them in it. And when I put them to bed at night and whisper ‘You make my life complete‘, I mean it with all my heart.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” ~ Matthew 6:21

Everyone has their own uniqueness and therefore their own idea of what makes them whole. What’s important for me may not be special to you. It’s only by living and loving yourself and your own journey will you find out. And when you do, my advice is to cherish it  and nurture it.

Because nothing beats the feeling of a world that is complete.

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Images thanks to the brilliant Lori Portka http://www.etsy.com/shop/loriportka

My Wish for You.

Christmas can be such a wonderful occasion of sharing and caring. Of excitement and expectation. For me it’s also a time of reflection and prayer. Of gratitude and thanks for the family and friends that make my life so special. And it’s a time for wishes.

I understand those who dread the festivities. This bright and shimmering period which serves only to reinforce a  sense of loss, disappointment and weariness. Tough going at the best of times, but even harder if you’re trying to put on a brave face so that those around you won’t sense how desperate you are. How hard it all is. How lonely you feel.

Somehow when everyone else is celebrating around you, it can make your pain feel a million times worse. And your sense of isolation almost unbearable. My wish for you would be that you be filled with the reassurance that if you just stay strong there are brighter times ahead.

For anyone who feels hopeless I wish you hope. For those in physical pain, I wish you healing. For the lonely I wish you friendship and compassion. If you’re trapped in the past I wish you freedom to enjoy the day and move on to the future. If you’re fearful I wish you courage and self-belief. If you’re struggling with grief, anger or bitterness, I wish you peace and forgiveness.

For anyone who is on the journey to becoming themselves I wish you inspiration to live the life you dream of. For those who are happy and contented with life, I wish you continued joy and prosperity of mind, body and soul.

For everyone who has been kind enough to support The Hurt Healer blog in so many ways, I thank you sincerely for sharing my journey. I wish you all a safe and loving Christmas and look forward spending time with you in 2013.

“May all your hopes, dreams and wishes become reality.” ~The Hurt Healer

Images – Floral Love http://www.etsy.com/listing/91476696/floral-love-11×14-mixed-media-art-print and Life http://www.etsy.com/listing/87084411/life-8×14-signed-mixed-media-print-home thanks to the amazing Kathleen Tennant

Happily Ever After.

“And they lived happily ever after…..” That’s the fairytale. But life is more complicated than any storybook and when it throws up challenges and heartaches, happiness can seem like an unreachable dream.

“The darker the despair, the brighter the joy.” ~ Carolyn Hughes

My own experiences of abandonment, abuse, addiction, depression have all played their part in making me feel sad and despondent at one time or another. But faith, love, gratitude have helped me to find happiness in the darkest places. Learning to take each day at a time, and appreciating each moment in time reminds me that life is too short for regrets or fear.  Happiness, joy and laughter are to be enjoyed today.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness is all about you. Only you can make yourself happy, so if you’re relying on something else to give you peace of mind, think again. Society persuades us that we can be instantly and permanently exhilarated and delighted – Buy this. Do that. Eat this. Drink that. Wear this. Look like that. We are bombarded daily with the promise of never-ending pleasure. That’s gratification. It’s not true happiness.

Inner contentment can be a fleeting feeling or a deep-seated emotion. Most of all it should be an established attitude.  Living joyfully and peacefully means accepting imperfections in yourself and others.

Happiness is appreciating what is right, not lamenting what is wrong. It’s being thankful for what you have, and not being envious of others. It’s looking forward to the destination, but enjoying the journey. So stop waiting for happy days. They’re here already!

 “The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” ~ Dalai Lama.

A word of warning if you are looking to others to make you happy. They can’t. Of course you can enjoy a wonderful relationship, but it can’t be dependent on someone else’s happiness. Neither can you depend on someone else to provide you with total fulfilment. It’s not their responsibility.

Your happiness comes from within your heart. Only you hold the keys to your heart. And only you hold the keys to your ‘happily ever after’.

The Secret of Serenity.

Contentment with yourself and others. Complete peace of mind. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if life could be lived this way all the time?

However, an everyday challenge can pose itself and suddenly any sense of tranquillity is a million miles away. It’s easy to become stressed, but with the right approach your inner calm can return.

So what’s the secret? For me it’s the recognition that it is a choice. Serenity isn’t passivity. It’s not inertia. Rather, it’s a series of decisions and actions that deal positively with a negative situation.

Recently, someone I trusted and loved committed to do something important and meaningful in my life. They let me down without explanation or regret. In the past their disloyalty and rejection would have sent me into a downward spiral of depression and alcohol abuse. I would have wasted hours wondering what I had done wrong or just ‘why me?’

Instead I chose to look at things differently. I accepted the fact that I could nothing to change the situation. The other person wasn’t going to take responsibility so I had a choice to make. Feel bitter and hurt, or make a decision to overcome my disappointment and offence.

I often refer to the well-known Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.  

In this instance I knew that for my own peace of mind I had to ‘let it go.’ I had to accept the things I couldn’t change and find the courage the change the things I could. It required a combination of determination, perseverance and prayer but it was worth it. It freed me of resentment and allowed me to move on.

When life leaves you feeling battered and betrayed it can be hard to contemplate change. The unknown can be infinitely more fearful than the known. The more vulnerable you are the harder it can be to step out of the comfort zone.

Trust you intuition and remember that the right decision is often not the easiest. Learn from the difficulties of the past and embrace the newness of the future.

Wasting your energy and time on trying to change others will only leave you disconnected and frustrated. Choose to forget what you can’t do and focus on what you can.

Today I choosing serenity. Are you?

Crossing the Bridge of Dreams.

It’s good to dream.  A dream can be anything you want it to be, as your mind takes you to a place of endless possibilities and infinite destinies.

It can be an imaginary world that you visit from time to time. You enjoy it for that moment and are happy to keep it as a pleasurable reverie.

However, your dream may involve fulfilling aspirations and visualising your future. If this is true for you, your  desire to turn the fantasy into reality needs to be strong enough to manage the transition. Change is never easy and it will involve leaving behind the familiar whilst moving towards the unknown. You have to cross the bridge of dreams.

“Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” Gloria Steinem

What has begun in the imagination will need to be transformed into actuality. You need a plan and plenty of passion to navigate your path. Whilst the road you have come from is routine and comfortable the bridge of dreams will cross you over into new and exhilarating territory.

A word of warning – beware of those who tread on your dreams. In the past I have had my hopes crushed. It happened so much that I stopped dreaming on any level. Life was about survival and to believe that good things could come to me was delusional. It took me a long time to realise that those who’d suppressed my desires had been damaged themselves. So now, I can allow myself to dream. That’s a good place to be.

If you want to cross your bridge of dreams you don’t have to do it alone. Share your aspirations with those who can support, motivate and inspire you along the way.

Remember there is no right or wrong way of reaching the other side. Run, skip, hop, jump, fly! It doesn’t matter how you reach the other side, only that you get there.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Following your dreams isn’t a passive past time. If it was, then everyone would be living ‘happily ever after’. There may be set backs and distractions. The original short-term goal may be replaced with a long-term life plan. Whatever the vision, it can require a combination of determination, courage, faith, and strength.

But isn’t it worth the effort? I think so.

What about you? When will you be crossing the bridge of dreams?

“Crossing the Bridge of Dreams” was inspired by a comment left by Jenny Alexander on ‘Why me? Why not me?’Thank you Jenny!

Images thanks to Sascalia

The Uniqueness of You.

How do you answer this question? ‘Who are you?’  Do you answer it with a smile and confidently enthuse about your qualities and talents? Or do you hesitate to list your positive traits and feel more comfortable pointing out your shortcomings? How about ‘What do you like?’ Do you respond assertively with a list of your interests and passions? Or do you give a vague idea of generic activities?

The way you reply may well depend on your level of self-confidence and of being able to appreciate your uniqueness.

Everyone is unique. Your individuality goes beyond DNA, gender, heritage or upbringing. It’s the complete package from when you are conceived to the present day that makes you distinct from any other human being. And that’s amazing. Or it should be.

Whilst some people can acknowledge differences in themselves and others with ease, many are consumed with comparing themselves to others. Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel accepted or to wanting to be a valued as part of a larger group. In balance, that’s a healthy way to live. But comparison and pressure to conform can lead to unrealistic expectations of how you should be living your life and a rejection of your authentic self.

From childhood and then later on as an adolescent, my insecurities about being different led to a long battle with depression and alcoholism. Without a significant female presence in my life, it was the man I knew as my father who had been influential in shaping my self-worth. A psychiatrist once described him as having ‘an authoritarian personality with a Machiavellian personality, and a pure misogynist with sadistic tendencies.’ I represented everything he despised so not surprisingly I ended up hating myself to the point of suicidal self destruct.

As an adult there were no boundaries to how much I disliked myself. I could look at myself in a mirror but I was unable to make sense of the image. I looked like ‘nothing’. Similarly, I felt ‘nothing’.  Of course I drank and medicated myself numb, but even when I wasn’t intoxicated I could switch myself off like a light. For those around me, it looked like I was there. But I wasn’t.

One of my biggest challenges to healing was to learn to value myself. It was excruciatingly difficult to even begin to make sense of the person I was, let alone appreciate that being. Gradually though I started to respect my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs. With support and renewed faith I was able to confront my misconceptions of the person that I judged myself to be. The characteristics that had defined me, no longer had meaning or power over me.

The emergence of my unique self continues each day. All I seek is to be the person I was meant to be. For me that’s enough.

Is your uniqueness enough for you? 
Top image thanks to Georgia Visacri