Sorry.

Mariana Stauffer

Sorry. A little word with a big impact. Genuinely meant as an expression of remorse, it has the power to restore a relationship.

But how many times can someone say sorry before it becomes valueless?

If you have heard ‘Sorry’, once too often or worse still, don’t hear it all,then it’s time things changed.

‘How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.’ – Wayne Dyer

My damaging and dysfunctional childhood resulted in a complete lack of self-esteem and worth. So it wasn’t surprising that as an adult I found myself in a relationship where sorry was never spoken. In his world sorry was a sign of weakness and to preserve his perception of his superiority he would say or do anything but apologize.

It didn’t matter how abusive he became, it was always someone else’s fault. Actually it was nearly always my fault – I was too sensitive, too intense, too controlling, too critical. And even when I would feel brave enough to confront him about his name calling and put downs, I would be accused of having no sense humor. But believe me, there was nothing funny about the verbal abuse and his unreasonable demands.

Thankfully I started to challenge my own victim mentality and realized that although he wasn’t going to change, I could. Finding the courage to make the transition from victim to survivor, I learnt that the responsibility for my happiness lay with me. And I grasped a truth that was the catalyst for my healing –  you can ‘t change other people and you can’t change the past. But you can choose how you react.

Of course I did want to hear ‘ I am sorry and I shouldn’t have behaved like that’ or ‘I won’t treat you like this again’ and ‘How can I make it up to you?’, but I didn’t need to hear any of it, in order for me to make a decision about my relationship.

For those of you who have the opposite experience of someone who apologizes all the time only to carry on hurting you time and time again, remember that ‘sorry’ can be the last thing they say before you walk away.

‘Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate — thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising.’ – Maya Angelou                          

As I learned how to define my boundaries, and to hold others accountable (myself included) I realized that it was also important to maintain a sense of serenity whenever I was offended. For me, a peaceful soul keeps me joyful and positive whatever my circumstances.

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, people do act thoughtlessly and cause harm. But a heartfelt apology from a place of love can heal the deepest wounds. Sometimes a simple ‘Sorry’ is enough, but you may require something more. Sincere remorse and a willingness to make amends are all steps to restoring trust and love.

Whatever is spoken or promised however, what really matters is how the person behaves afterwards. When it comes to apologizing, actions do speak louder than words.

‘Write injuries in sand, kindnesses in marble’ – French proverb

I love the gentleness of that statement and the sentiment of remembering the positive rather than the negative is how I would like others to view me. Nobody is perfect and when I mess up and say things I regret, I want to be able to say sorry and for my mistakes to be forgotten and forgiven.

Mariana Stauffer

When I say sorry it means I’m not perfect, and that’s okay. It means I didn’t intentionally want to cause offense and I want to make amends. It means I am hurting as much as you. and I don’t want either of us to feel that way again.

When I say ‘Sorry’ I mean it. Do you?

Huge thanks to Marianna Stauffer for allowing me to use her wonderful and inspiring artwork  (May not be reproduced in any form without her permission.) Take a look at her other work here: https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/malorcka

If you’re afraid to do it, do it afraid.

‘Be gentle, truthful and fearless.’ – Gandhi

What are you frightened of? Anything that stops you living your life to the full, whether it’s fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the future can all impact on your life. Yet it is possible to overcome that detrimental negative thinking. You may never be completely fearless but you can learn to break out of your comfort-zone and find the freedom to take your life to a new level.

‘If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.’ –  Dalai Lama

Abandoned by my mother at an early age, I grew to avoid making anything other than superficial relationships. Whilst I longed for love and connection, there was the possibility that I would be discarded. Accepting this as a truth, my dread of rejection progressed to a deeper level to a fear of attachment.

Unfortunately my father reinforced an even more deep-rooted fear in me. His abusive and dysfunctional words and behaviour towards me installed the conviction that I wasn’t good enough. Not for anything or for anybody. He manipulated my perception to the point that I was not only ashamed of whom I was but of who I thought I would become.

The reality as I progressed into adulthood was that I was terrified of being ‘me’ at every level. I wanted to speak up but I was frightened of being heard. I wanted to reveal my personality but I was frightened of being seen. I wanted to love, but I was frightened of being loved.

‘Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support.’ ~ Brené Brown

As the years passed, so did my spiral into depression and alcoholism. Both however reinforced my sense of blame and inadequacy. And whilst on the outside I wore a mask of happiness, confidence and fearlessness, inwardly I lived with terror that gripped my mind, body and soul.

Of course I never asked for help because I was too flawed, too damaged and too unlovable, to allow anyone into my imperfect world. Consequently it wasn’t until I hit absolute physical and mental rock-bottom that others intervened to save me from myself.

Once of the greatest challenges I faced when I started on my journey to recovery was to let other people to nurture, comfort and guide me. For me, asking for support was to reveal my complete failure as a human being. But how wrong I was. For I learned that by reaching out, I not only found the way to move on from my past insecurities but I gained courage and strength in the process. Yet really it all began with a cry for help.

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.’                     ~2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

So if you’re battling with an inner voice that consistently criticises and demeans, be encouraged. Just as you have been brain-washed to listen only to the negative, so too can you bring those dark thoughts into the light, confront them for what they are and develop an encouraging and fearless mentality. 

For me, it was easier to look to my faith to provide the support that I needed so badly. For it wasn’t simply my body and mind that were broken, but my spirit and soul. The gentle breath of faith helped me to heal from within, and remains with me today.

Recovery has taken many years and although I do still experience the sensation of fear, it no longer controls me through depression and alcoholism. I do indeed have a sound mind, a vibrant spirit and a compassionate soul. They form the basis of my ability to love and be loved. That is power.

If you’re captive of your past, living with an anxiety-filled present or dreading the future, then learning how to live fearlessly will set you free.

And if you’re afraid to do it, do it afraid!

‘Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.’ ~ Mark Twain.

Writing – The Blog Tour

Whether or not you write well, write bravely.” ~ Bill Stout

If you enjoy the process of writing or blogging, you might also enjoy reading why and how others share their creative talents. Thanks to author Jenny Alexander I have the opportunity to share some of my own insights from The Hurt Healer as part of The Blog Tour. Jenny’s post ‘The Grand Blog Tour arrives at the House of Dreams!’ gives a wonderful snapshot of her writing inspirations, aspirations and what makes her genre unique. Do take a look and watch out for her book ‘Writing in the House of Dreams’, due out later this year.

The Blog Tour asks 4 questions that I am looking forward to answering.

What are you working on?

“A word after a word after a word is power.” ~ Margaret Atwood.

As a freelance writer I am always working on a variety of different articles, sometimes for magazines or newsletters, or for online sites covering a huge range of subjects; addiction, mental health, women, family, abuse, relationships, faith, well-being. And of course I also write The Hurt Healer.

This week I am working on some articles for an addiction organisation to help others who are seeking to recover and lead extraordinary lives and I’m also doing a guest post for a therapy website. (I receive ridiculous amounts of requests to guest blog so I do have to limit how many I agree to!)

I’m continuously working on notes for The Hurt Healer and I’m also working on some e-books and e-workshops which will be integrated into my new website later this year.

How does your work differ from others of its genre?

“Let me live, love, and say it well in good sentences” ~ Sylvia Plath

Whether it’s for publications on a shelf or on-line, I always write from experience and that well-known advice to ‘write about what you know’ is so true for me! Essential to all my writing is that it doesn’t just come from the head but that it comes from the heart.

Although there are lots of blogs of a similar genre to mine, I think what makes The Hurt Healer different is the amount of sharing of myself that is included in each post. When you read my blog, you read the work of my authentic self and not just the facts of the subject.

Why do you write what you do?

 “I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” Anne Frank

If you’re familiar with The Hurt Healer you will know that my ethos is that your past doesn’t have to define your present. I have experienced many difficulties in my own life, so as I share these times I hope that the reader can be inspired and encouraged to overcome their own struggles.

I often get asked about why I share so openly, and the answer is simple. Because I can. By reclaiming my faith at the start of my emotional recovery I have been able to reclaim my life. Today I strive to live my life as the person I was meant to be, and I write so that others will see that it is possible and desirable to pursue their authentic too.

How does your writing process work?

“If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.” ~ Stephen King

My writing process starts with reading a lot. I’ve always several books on the go and I read online, with an e-reader and I still love a proper paper book. I have to admit my mind is constantly filling up with writing ideas and consequently I have notebooks everywhere to jot these down.

When I actually sit down to complete a piece I usually have a good idea of what I want to include, but I start with a rough draft. There’s always a great deal of editing as I inevitably write too much, so I fine-tune until I am happy with it.

Magazine articles tend to have to be quite structured and formal, so one of the nicest things about my blog is that I can allow the post to develop more organically. Sometimes it can turn out completely differently to how I envisaged at the outset. And I love that freedom!

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed my replies and now it’s time to introduce you to three other writers with a diversity of styles who will be joining The Blog Tour on 12^th May.

In her own words Michelle Smith says that her ‘writing has kept her sober’ but she is so much more than a recovering alcoholic who writes. Expressive and innovative, her blog rising woman is a great place to start to find out more about her short-stories and novels. If you love gritty, thought-provoking writing featuring strong women then you will love what she has to offer. 

I first met  Sandra Bellamy through her blog quirky books.  Having been made redundant twice, she decided to turn her life around and pursue her two passions; writing and helping people. See how she achieves both by visiting her new site beat redundancy blues. And keep an eye out for her book due to be released on Amazon: Break Through The Barriers of Redundancy to Get Back Into Work – An A-Z ‘How to’ guide.

For full-on faith writing, Susan Schiller of Writing Ourselves to a Better World is a site that will inspire. Not only does she share her own amazing life-story, but she helps and supports others to do the same. Under the guidance of her passionate beliefs, she has a heart to help the hurting transform their lives. As well as offering the opportunity to share Heart Scribes , Susan offers an ecourse on memoir writing.

Please do visit them, and a final thank you again to Jenny Alexander for the invitation to the tour. My next post will be something completely different; ‘If you’re afraid to do it, do it afraid!’

“Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.” Gloria Steinem