No regrets.

No regrets. What does that mean? That you’ve lived a blameless life? Or that you’ve been too scared to live your life?

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.”  ~ Jonathan Larson

I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t done or said something that they wish they hadn’t. But are you still punishing yourself for something you should have let go? If you’re holding onto to guilt, you’re holding onto the past. But the past can’t be undone. And feeling guilty is not going to make it better. If fact your guilt can infect every relationship through mistrust, judgement and unrealistic expectations.

“If you can’t forgive yourself, you can’t forgive others.” ~The Hurt Healer

During my dark drinking days I had many regrets. When I look back there are so many things I wish I hadn’t done or said. But through recovery and faith I was able to find forgiveness. And for those who believe that ‘faith’ equates with ‘cop out’, allow me to show that it is far from it.

Anyone who is familiar with the 12 step programme knows that the steps are rigorous and challenging. For me it included:

“Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.”

“Admitting to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.”

“Making a list of all persons I had harmed, and being willing to make amends to them all.”

“Making direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

“Continuing to take personal inventory and when I was wrong promptly admitting it.”

So although today I can freely say I have no regrets, it doesn’t mean that I’m not accountable. Rather it means that I am willing to acknowledge my wrong-doing and have a willingness to put it right. And then I can let it go.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”                                              ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Regrets will hold you in the past, at the expense of your future. So learn to deal with your mistakes, hold your head high and determine to do better.

And don’t let the fear of doing something you might regret stop you giving it a go.Because living a  life of passion and purpose requires risk. Sometimes things will go wrong. You may even unintentionally hurt someone. But you have to weigh up the benefits of trying something with the detriment of doing nothing.

“If only I’d……” What a tragic sentence. Missed opportunities to say or do something can leave you empty and frustrated, disappointed and angry.

There are no guarantees that life is going to go the way you want it to go. We can encounter either the possibility or the certainty of regret. But as for me I’d rather stumble and fall than not try at all.

What about you? No regrets?

Why did you leave?

People leave relationships for all sorts of reasons and if you’re the one left behind you want an explanation.

Usually there’s some discussion and even if it changes nothing or you don’t believe them, it forms an ending. After the initial heart-break, you learn to accept the loss and move on.

Much harder though is to be left without any notice or further contact. It leaves you with a void and a mass of unanswered questions.

As a young child my mum left one day and never returned. No one ever offered any explanation. Asking questions of anyone was futile. I was expected to simply forget her. But I couldn’t.

I have no idea what goes through the mind of a woman when she suddenly decides to walk away from her little daughter. But I know what went through my mind. ‘I wasn’t good enough.  She didn’t love me. It was my fault.’

And as I got older the self blame intensified, as did my need to know ‘Why?’  Why did you leave?  Why didn’t you take me with you.Why didn’t you contact? Why didn’t you come back? Why did you remarry and tell your new family I had been killed in a car crash?

The questions that were left unanswered triggered the depression that was going to become a life-long battle. The emptiness led me to my ‘hurt healer’, alcohol, which for many years filled the loneliness and eased the heartbreak.

“Grief is a process, not a state.” ~Anne Grant

One of the hardest things I’ve experienced in my life was ending the non-existent relationship I had with my mother. I had no other choice except to allow myself to grieve for the woman I remembered and to grieve for the mother that should have been.

Eventually only the need to forgive remained. And with time and tears I forgave. Not for her. But for me, so that I could finish with a part of my life that had caused me so much emotional pain and physical destruction.

Forgiveness released me from the torment of longing to know ‘Why?’ My mother no longer existed in my heart or my mind so neither did the need to fill in the past. It had been over for my mother many years ago, but finally it was over for me too. 

Today I have the freedom to live for the day and look forward to the future.

I am blessed to be a mother of two amazing daughters who bring me unimaginable joy. And there’s one question I know with absolute certainty they will never have to ask.

‘Why did you leave?’

Images thanks to Katie M Berggren at http://www.etsy.com/shop/kmberggren

A passionate heart.

Where’s your passionate heart?

Has it been crushed by past abusers and oppressors? Or turned to stone by previous disappointments and betrayals?

Perhaps you have vowed not to commit yourself to anyone or anything for fear of failure and rejection? Then it’s time to reclaim your passion for life.

Passion comes from the heart. But for most of my life, my heart seemed to do little apart from keep me alive. Whilst friends and colleagues appeared to be thriving in every way, I functioned from day to day cocooned in depression and alcoholism, in self-doubt and fear.

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. ~ Nelson Mandela

My journey to recovering started with a reality check. My heart, mind and soul had been numbed to the extreme leaving me emotionally void. I was physically alive but mentally dead. The truth was that I was existing but not living. And I was tolerating myself and others but not loving.

When I reclaimed my heart, I reclaimed my life. I chose to swap the pain for the passion and use the energy to reconnect with myself and those around me. As I pursued my recovery with eagerness and intent, I learnt to refute those negative beliefs I had internalised since childhood.

My self-image of a woman who was worthless, useless, ugly, stupid, hated, rejected began to fade as I opened up my heart. Despite my vulnerability I allowed love and laughter to enter my world again. And I began to be able to define myself differently – valued, positive, beautiful, intelligent, loved and wanted.

“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” ~ Rumi

Today my passionate heart reveals itself through my devotion to my faith, family and friends. It sustains me through the bad times and fills me with joy through the good times.

No longer do I simply exist or tolerate.                                                                                     I live and I love.                                                                                                                   With a passion.

Top image thanks to Freaky Peas http://www.etsy.com/listing/119986407/heart-original-mixed-media-painting

Fearless and free.

“If you’re afraid to do it, do it afraid.” Life can be scary. Change can be terrifying. But fear can restrict and overwhelm to the point that your life isn’t your own.

If you’re captive of your past, living with an anxiety-filled present or dreading the future, then learning how to live fearlessly will set you free.

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”  Mark Twain.

Anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship will know what it is like to be living in fear. Whether it’s physically, verbally or mental abuse, you learn to anticipate and react in a certain way. And when your worst fears are realised, you are made to believe it was your fault and you become uneasy of ‘the next time’.

Similarly, low self-esteem can make facing new situations, people or places a source of trepidation. Your mind fills with every negative scenario and statement imaginable. And this can spiral into a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure and rejection.

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” Eleanor Roosevelt

As a child, my abandoning mum and my abusing dad had ensured that I learnt to never truly trust, attach or love anyone. I grew into adulthood believing everyone had the potential to harm me in some way or another. Alcohol gave me the courage to not care if, or more often, when they did.

My addiction was a direct result of not just an extreme apprehension of others but of an unnatural mistrust of myself. Complete lack of self-worth meant that I would do anything to numb the feelings of inadequacy. Convinced that my values, instincts and intelligence were inferior to everyone else fed into my foreboding of defeat and ridicule.

Whether real or imagined, fear controlled my life and my life was out of control.

“Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Confronting my addiction and starting on the path to recovery was quite simply the most terrifying period of my life. It meant redefining my concept of fear and changing my perception of myself and others. And that wasn’t an easy choice to make, but it was totally necessary if I was going to be free to live my life as the person I was meant to be.

I worked hard to develop the courage to accept, trust and love myself. But as I did I was able to find the strength to confront and challenge fear. I would remind myself “If you’re afraid to do it, do it afraid.”

It doesn’t mean that I don’t get scared. In fact I’m still a cautious person who finds it hard to take risks. And everyday situations like meeting new people still make me nervous. But I am no longer captive to fear and its negative consequences.

Today I don’t fight the fear. I welcome it in the form of excitement and anticipation. I rise above it and use it as motivation. I go through it and come out the other side stronger.

For me that is living a life fearless and free. What about you? Are you fearless and free?

Top image: The Courage to Soar thanks to 3 Wishes Creations  http://www.etsy.com/shop/3WishesCreations