Time to say goodbye.

Looking to the start of a new year can be exciting. It can be the time to plan ahead, and dream of good things to come.

But to make way for new beginnings, it’s important to let go of anything that is going to hinder or harm you. Nobody has an infinite amount of physical time, or emotional energy. So it makes sense to use what we have on relationships that will benefit not drain. That are reciprocal, not a burden.

We all have relationships in our lives that come to a natural end. For whatever reason our contact with that person has run its course. We move on without a sense of loss or pain.

But there are other relationships that we cling to. Or we continue to involve ourselves in, with the hope that there will be a shift in commitment, interest or behaviour. And it’s those interactions that we need to reflect on. Perhaps it’s time to say ‘goodbye’?

Life is too precious to waste on others who are ultimately using or abusing.

I wish I had learnt this sooner. I wasted so much of my life on my mother. Years of thinking, talking, worrying, crying, soul-searching.  And all for nothing.

When my mum abandoned me as a young child, it wasn’t until much later that the impact of her actions came into force. I spent years wondering about her, blaming myself, searching for some answers. And as an adult when I discovered she had told everyone that I had been killed in a car crash, I was in agony. But my emotions were misplaced. I was grieving for the loss of my mother, but instead I should have been grieving for myself.

Instead I sought refuge in alcohol and my life spiralled slowly into the depths of despair. I had to hit rock bottom before I was ready to let go of my mother. Letting go was a gradual process of dealing and disposing of the rubbish that filled my mind. It was ‘Goodbye’ to self-hatred, worthlessness, guilt and shame. And a ‘Farewell’ to the oppressors of addiction, depression, loneliness and fear.

With time, prayer and courage I was able to overcome the negative connections of the past. In doing so I became emotionally available. I opened up my heart, mind and soul to those who could respond out of a true sense of friendship and love. Just as importantly, I learnt how to end relationships. What freedom!

It’s crucial to recognise those relationships that are harmful or futile. But if you decide that now is the time to end your involvement, be prepared.  Don’t underestimate how difficult, how painful or how long it can take to let go of a relationship. The more you have invested the harder it will be to break free.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

Lao Tzu

But keep strong and it will be worth it. Visualise how you want to live your life. Surround yourself with good people. Kind people. Say ‘hello’ to those who inspire you and fill your life with light, joy and passion.

Accept those that accept you.

Embrace those that embrace you.

Love those that love you.

And as for the rest – time to say ‘goodbye’.

My Wish for You.

Christmas can be such a wonderful occasion of sharing and caring. Of excitement and expectation. For me it’s also a time of reflection and prayer. Of gratitude and thanks for the family and friends that make my life so special. And it’s a time for wishes.

I understand those who dread the festivities. This bright and shimmering period which serves only to reinforce a  sense of loss, disappointment and weariness. Tough going at the best of times, but even harder if you’re trying to put on a brave face so that those around you won’t sense how desperate you are. How hard it all is. How lonely you feel.

Somehow when everyone else is celebrating around you, it can make your pain feel a million times worse. And your sense of isolation almost unbearable. My wish for you would be that you be filled with the reassurance that if you just stay strong there are brighter times ahead.

For anyone who feels hopeless I wish you hope. For those in physical pain, I wish you healing. For the lonely I wish you friendship and compassion. If you’re trapped in the past I wish you freedom to enjoy the day and move on to the future. If you’re fearful I wish you courage and self-belief. If you’re struggling with grief, anger or bitterness, I wish you peace and forgiveness.

For anyone who is on the journey to becoming themselves I wish you inspiration to live the life you dream of. For those who are happy and contented with life, I wish you continued joy and prosperity of mind, body and soul.

For everyone who has been kind enough to support The Hurt Healer blog in so many ways, I thank you sincerely for sharing my journey. I wish you all a safe and loving Christmas and look forward spending time with you in 2013.

“May all your hopes, dreams and wishes become reality.” ~The Hurt Healer

Images – Floral Love http://www.etsy.com/listing/91476696/floral-love-11×14-mixed-media-art-print and Life http://www.etsy.com/listing/87084411/life-8×14-signed-mixed-media-print-home thanks to the amazing Kathleen Tennant

Dream it. Believe it.

Do you dream? Do you look to the future with purpose and passion? Do you believe anything is possible?

Or has life knocked you back so many times that you’ve stopped dreaming altogether? Or do you expect nothing so that you lose nothing?

I’ll be honest. Until fairly recently I’ve never been much of a dreamer. Whilst I admired and encouraged those who pursued life with positive expectancy, I used to feel that it was different for me.

Abandonment and abuse as a child had stolen so many things from me. Among them was the ability to dream. Or wish. Or hope.  As I grew into adulthood my expectations of everything and everyone were so pessimistic. My outlook was limited to blocking out the past and managing the demands of the day. Life had always been so harsh that it was all I could do to survive.

I didn’t dare to have ambitions. I never imagined having a fulfilled and happy life. The words that had been spoken over me for years would reinforce that I was never going to be good enough, clever enough or pretty enough for anything or anybody. So why set myself for even more disappointment and failure?

“Hope is the dream of a waking man.” ~ Aristotle

Yet behind the mask of alcoholism and the cocoon of depression lay a woman desperate to believe that life could be meaningful and loving. Even in the depths of despair there was the whisper of hope. It gave me the determination to want to start living my life as the person I was meant to be.

My journey of emotional healing started with accepting the past and letting the hurt go. The nightmares of yesterday could no longer be allowed to shadow the dreams of tomorrow. Recovery meant looking to the future and believing in myself, not living the miserable existence prescribed by others.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” ~Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

It’s never easy to change the thoughts of a lifetime, but somehow I found the courage to dare to dream, and the faith to believe that the dreams could come true.

In my spirituality I found my dreams could be nourished without fear of failure. With faith I learnt that even if what I had hoped for didn’t materialise, that it was for the best and I could expect something even more beneficial at the right time.

“Faith is like a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.” Rabindranath Tagore

Today my life is filled with so many good things that I would have never imagined. I know now how important it is to look to the future with hopeful anticipation. It makes life challenging, purposeful and joyful. And as my faith has strengthened so has the certainty of my visions for my future.

I’ll never stop dreaming. I’ll never stop believing.

What about you?

Dear Dad…

Dear Dad

I rarely think of you. You see once I’d forgiven you there was nothing left to think about. Occasionally though your presence from the past surfaces. And when it does  I wish I could look you in the eye and say ‘Have you any idea what you did to me?’

I’ll tell you. You stole my childhood. You destroyed my self-esteem. You crushed my spirit.

There’s more. You made me feel insignificant and worthless. You made me feel unloved. You made me believe I would never deserve anything because I was never good enough.

Even when I grew up and moved from country to country, you pursued me. Not out of love but out of a need to control. You didn’t have to be with me in person, because you always found a way to make sure that I knew you were still there.

You needn’t have bothered to hire that stalker, send the hate mail, make the threatening phone calls to my work colleagues, terrify my friends. Because your voice of abuse never left me anyway. It was there day and night.

For a long time, you won Dad. You won your crazy game.

You kept on winning even after you died. I didn’t expect that. Somehow I thought that your death would terminate my living hell and I would be free to get on with my life.  But I was so used to living in fear that it had become my normality. The damage had been done. With or without you I was a complete mess physically and emotionally.

“I stopped loving my father a long time ago. What remained was the slavery to a pattern.”  ~ Anais Nin

Actually I felt quite cheated that you died suddenly. You see I remember how much you hated alcohol, and I remember you telling me as a teenager that you would prefer I get pregnant rather than drunk. So you never knew that alcohol became my ‘hurt healer.’ It numbed me from the pain and helped me to manage your manipulation.

For a while it felt like I was winning. I was getting my own back and you didn’t even know it. But the self-medication slowly grew into addiction. So while other fathers leave their daughters a legacy of inspiration and love, I was left with alcoholism and depression.

But that was many years ago and this is now. Without you to sabotage my every move I have been able to reclaim my life and rediscover my identity. I fought my way back into the game and this time I am winning.

It’s true that sometimes when I face an emotional challenge, especially where there is a man involved, I think of you. It’s the moment when  the insecurities and the self-doubt return and I sense your spirit whisper ‘Told you so.’

Today though, I am able to recognise your words the lies that they are and can send them back to where they belong. Out of my mind. Out of my life.

I wish you had been kinder Dad. I wish you had been there to protect me. I wish you had been there to encourage me. Imagine how different my life could have been if I’d had a hero for a Dad instead of an abuser.

Too late now. For you. Not for me. Because I’m still here.

And if you could see me now I think even you would be proud of me. But if you weren’t that would be okay. Because I’m of proud myself.

I found out that I was good enough. I always was.

From your daughter                               ~ The Hurt Healer

Image thanks to Nicholas_Gent