The Secret of Serenity.

Posted on August 28, 2012 by hurthealer

Contentment with yourself and others. Complete peace of mind. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if life could be lived this way all the time?

However, an everyday challenge can pose itself and suddenly any sense of tranquillity is a million miles away. It’s easy to become stressed, but with the right approach your inner calm can return.

So what’s the secret? For me it’s the recognition that it is a choice. Serenity isn’t passivity. It’s not inertia. Rather, it’s a series of decisions and actions that deal positively with a negative situation.

Recently, someone I trusted and loved committed to do something important and meaningful in my life. They let me down without explanation or regret. In the past their disloyalty and rejection would have sent me into a downward spiral of depression and alcohol abuse. I would have wasted hours wondering what I had done wrong or just ‘why me?’

Instead I chose to look at things differently. I accepted the fact that I could nothing to change the situation. The other person wasn’t going to take responsibility so I had a choice to make. Feel bitter and hurt, or make a decision to overcome my disappointment and offence.

I often refer to the well-known Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.

In this instance I knew that for my own peace of mind I had to ‘let it go.’ I had to accept the things I couldn’t change and find the courage the change the things I could. It required a combination of determination, perseverance and prayer but it was worth it. It freed me of resentment and allowed me to move on.

When life leaves you feeling battered and betrayed it can be hard to contemplate change. The unknown can be infinitely more fearful than the known. The more vulnerable you are the harder it can be to step out of the comfort zone.

Trust you intuition and remember that the right decision is often not the easiest. Learn from the difficulties of the past and embrace the newness of the future.

Wasting your energy and time on trying to change others will only leave you disconnected and frustrated. Choose to forget what you can’t do and focus on what you can.

Today I choosing serenity. Are you?

Heartache. Heartbreak.

Posted on August 20, 2012 by hurthealer

Rejected by someone you love. Betrayed by a trusted friend. Lied to by the one person you thought you could rely on. Any of these can cause heartache.

The more time, energy and emotion you have put in, the greater the pain. The more you believed in that person’s integrity, honesty or commitment, the more you are likely to feel that you will never trust or love again. Giving your all can result in an extreme case of complete heart-break.

As a young woman I went in search of my mother who had abandoned me as a child. Although she’d never physically been there for me as I grew up, she had been a daily presence in my mind. She was my flesh-and-blood after all. My desire was simple – to have the opportunity to meet the woman I had cherished in my heart for as long as I could remember.

Nothing could have prepared me for the agony that ensued. I learned my mother had a new family and that she had explained my absence by telling everyone that I had been killed in a car crash. It didn’t matter that I was alive and ready to pour out the special love I had treasured. To this woman I was dead.

Every fibre of my being wanted to meet her and touch her just once. But in reality there was no other option but to give up the search. You can’t change the past. You can’t open a door that is well and truly shut. And you can’t make anyone love you if they don’t.

The question for me was ‘How to heal my broken heart?’

Of course, initially all I wanted to do was curl up with my vodka bottle. Alcohol was my hurt healer then. It aneastheized the torture of abandonment and cut me off from the real world. But it did nothing to heal my heart.

A broken heart results in a broken being. The world that previously existed shatters into a thousand pieces of hurt, fear and loneliness. For a time nothing makes sense. Whatever you had assumed was the case, wasn’t. Whoever you thought loved you, didn’t. And there is nothing at all you can do about it.

Being lied to, led on, rejected can lead to such a fear of abandonment that you put up physical or emotional walls. They may be the only way to keep safe from future threats. Or like myself you can take it to the ultimate level – the fear of attachment. You feel so burned by the world that you detach on every level.

For me it was a terribly dark place to be and eventually I was left with two options: fix my broken heart or die of it. When I removed the alcohol I was left with such a void. Facing the truths of my past were unimaginably difficult. The emptiness I felt at that time was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

With a huge amount of genuine and caring support I gently and hesitantly allowed my heart to heal. I filled it with faith. I filled it with forgiveness. I filled it with hope. I filled it with joy.

Eventually I learnt how to attach and trust. And when anyone hurts me today I can draw on my experience. I can deal with the misery, the anger and the frustration on my own terms. My strength comes from the depths of my scars.

Heartache and heartbreak are part of life. But now I have the ultimate antidote for pain. For today my heart is filled with love.

Top image thanks to Sharon Cummings of the terrace gallery http://www.etsy.com/shop/terracegallery?ref=pr_shop_more Middle image thanks to Selina Farmer of the Mazzy Blue Studios http://www.etsy.com/shop/MazzyBlueStudios?ref=seller_info&atr_uid=0 Bottom image thanks to Slodive.com

The sweet sound of silence.

Posted on August 15, 2012 by hurthealer

The buzz of a busy market place, the loud squeals of children playing, the noisy thrill of a concert. Vibrant sounds fill us with excitement, joy and vitality.

Sometimes though our senses can overload with the constant commotion of daily living. It’s time to switch off and experience the sweet sound of silence.

Actually, it’s amazing how difficult it can be to find a place that it perfectly quiet. Living in the countryside as I do, it is calm and peaceful. Yet even in the dead of night there will be a rustle of wind in the trees or the slight bubble of water from the river. It’s not total silence but there is a tangible tranquility and stillness.

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.” ~ Mother Theresa

I have grown to love periods of silence and solitude. However, I also know just how torturous being alone with only your own thoughts can be.

Throughout the seasons of my depression I battled with a constant need to fill my personal space with as much noise as possible. It didn’t matter where it came from as long as it was loud enough to distract from my inner turmoil. My biggest fear at that time was to be left only with myself – a truly terrifying thought.

With healing came a sense of clarity, serenity and the ability to ‘just be’. As with most things in life, it’s a question of balance. The more I became comfortable with and able to immerse myself in times of silence, the more I could appreciate and enjoy times of noisy activity.

“Silence has a regenerative power of its own. It is always sacred. It always returns you home.” — Barbara De Angelis

But even in the midst of the most hectic of days, I find that just a few minutes of quiet rest can physically and psychologically rejuvenate and refresh.

Today I am going to take time to benefit from the sweet sound of silence. Are you?

Top image ‘be still’ thanks to poemstudio
Bottom image ‘time for me’ thanks to NaturallybyDenise

Abundant love. Abundant life.

Posted on August 6, 2012 by hurthealer

Having it all! Isn’t that what most of us want and doesn’t it sometimes feel like everyone else has it better?

Whether it’s more money, a successful spouse, an amazing career, bigger house, expensive car – it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that material prosperity is essential to living abundantly. I can tell you from experience that it’s not.

Obviously we need money to exist in the world. The necessities of food, shelter, clothing as well as all the other essentials of modern-day living have to be purchased. And it’s great to have luxuries that make our lives easier and more pleasurable. Yet there is so much more to life than material wealth. And the beautiful truth is that the things that give our life meaning and depth can’t be purchased.

“The best things in life aren’t things.” ― Art Buchwald

Unfortunately, I learnt this lesson the hard way. As a young woman I appeared to have an enviable lifestyle. I was a well paid professional, with no family commitments. I presented as a self-assured, carefree individual who worked and played hard. Surely I had everything going for me? Actually, nothing could have been further from the truth.

Everything about me was a fake. I wore the mask of confidence and the costume of abundance. But underneath I was a complete physical and mental wreck. Alcoholism was costing me everything I possessed and depression was dragging me into suicidal depths. Being tortured by the nightmares of my past, bearing the shame of my addiction and believing that life was futile made a near fatal combination.

I had lost it all and hit rock bottom in every way conceivable. But although it was the worst time of my life, it also became the turning point. As I started to put my life together again I realised that even though my finances only met the most basic needs, I could appreciate my existence on a totally new level. It wasn’t easy or instantaneous.

Gradually rejecting anything that had left me spiritually and emotionally bankrupt, I was eventually free enough to embrace everything that enriched my mind, body and soul. I reclaimed my faith, found the courage to heal and started on a journey of previously unimaginable riches.

My greatest treasure of all was learning how to love and be loved. All the money in the world couldn’t replace the joy and happiness I have experienced through love in my life. Strangers, acquaintances, friends or family – it doesn’t matter where the love comes from. What matters is that I can accept it, cherish it and reciprocate genuine heart-felt affection.

Indira Gandhi said “Where there is love, there is life.” For me, that’s an insightful truth. And whilst I’d love to be better off financially I can count myself as rich as any wealthy tycoon. Because I don’t just have love in my life, I have abundant love.

Abundant love. Abundant life.